Ever since before Nicaragua 2010, actually probably even Nicaragua 2009, I had been praying for change. At the time and even up until recently I prayed for boldness, for discipline and for direction. Eventually my general prayer for direction turned into a still general, yet slightly more specific prayer to figure out whether or not I should move from NJ to Queens, NY. Bundled with that prayer came questions about whether or not a new job would be part of the answer.

On September 18 I went to Hillsong NYC by myself. I had gone once before (August 22?) with Joyce. Hillsong senior Pastor Brian Houston was there with the United band, led by his son Joel.  It was a little hard to understand his thick Aussie accent, but it was good. Anyway, on September 18 I decided to go back and check out how the regular Pastor, Carl Lentz, was. Apparently he was just starting his “Church in the Wild” series that week. After hearing the message I was hooked and had to hear the rest of the series. I thought it was just a spiritual high from being at Hillsong NYC church and listening to such a passionate speaker, but even the guest pastors at Newtown, though not as charismatic, had points that just stuck out to me and went well with everything I was hearing at Hillsong.

Each week that I went back, the more I felt a conviction in my heart. I felt repentant of the life I had been living, and felt convicted of the life I should be leading instead. Even the two guest speakers at Hillsong in the 5 consecutive weeks that I’ve been in attendance spoke to my heart. Week 3 was Christine Caine (founder of A21). She said something that really blew me away. She made an analogy. She told us a story of when she took her daughter to Walmart to buy a Barbie flashlight. After she had paid, her daughter took the flashlight and immediately pointed it toward the ceiling and turned it on. Her face got sad. Her mom asked her what was wrong. The little girl replied something like this, “Mommy, can we go find some darkness?” Her light could not be seen in the middle the heavily florescent lit Walmart. Chris Caine was taken aback. I was taken aback. All of a sudden it became clear what my whole life has been like. I had been given the light of Jesus Christ, but had only shone His light in what was already lit! Why, as Christians, do we shine our light among more light? The light doesn’t need more light. The darkness needs the light! God gave us light so that we may go and shine it on the darkness of this world.

That right there was like a spear through my heart. I felt broken, I felt guilty, I felt wasteful like I had been such a bad steward of the knowledge God has given me about Him. I spent the week praying for God to change me, for God to keep this conviction in my heart, for God to reveal to me how to respond to such a revelation. Actually, that night when I got home, I decided I would do a 24 hour fast and pray that God would speak to me more clearly. The funny part is right after I told myself this, I believe Satan tried to break me that same night and the days following. I felt God granting me a new confidence in Him which in turn made me feel invincible and bold. While acting on this new found boldness I was careless in my words with someone and I thought I was going to lose a friend and brother in Christ. The next day I was distraught over the situation, but surprisingly I wasn’t even hungry. Probably because I was so distraught! I ended up fasting for a couple other days that week and it really helped me to stay focused on God and God alone. It gave me peace over the situation and through the grace of God everything was worked out that weekend with my brother in Christ.

The following week Pastor Carl finished up his series on “Church in the Wild”. I was excited to hear the last part of the series, but it wasn’t as heart piercing as I thought. While I didn’t have any “WOW!” moments though, Pastor Carl still made a lot of good points.

- We need to be authentic and transparent. 
- Even scars tell a story so stop hiding them.
- People resonate more with our weaknesses than when we’re at our best
- If you are willing to get dirty you will be wildly influential in the wild (world)
- Jesus carried our junk and baggage and bore it on the cross for us. If we are to be like Him, we should be carrying the baggage of others on us as well.

Then another week went by. I was probably less prayerful, and less active about holding onto my convictions that week. The routine of things came creeping back into my life and my mind wasn’t as focused on God anymore. It felt so empty and meaningless even while I was in it, but I couldn’t shake it off. Saturday night came and I wondered if I would go back to Hillsong the next day. The “Church in the Wild” series was over. Did I still need to go? By the time my head hit my pillow I had decided I would go anyway. I planned on going to the 6pm service, but a family dinner came up so I decided I would try to make it for the 8pm service instead. I ended up not going to dinner though and ended up getting to Hillsong before 7pm. I waited in line for about 50 minutes till we were let in. As I was standing in line I was tired from the night before, the long day, and I was just so weary I wasn’t expecting God to really speak to me that night. Also it didn’t help that I didn’t get to talk to anyone on line. I was between two groups of friends. All the other weeks prior while waiting in line I got to meet really cool people so my mood was just not very upbeat at that point. Even finding a place to sit inside seemed like a chore. I just wasn’t feeling very positive.

Worship started and I wasn’t really into the first couple songs. Then there was a break and I got to talk to the guy next to me. That really lifted up my spirit so from then on it was just uphill. We went into more worship before the pastor came out to speak. It was Pastor Chad Veach from out in Seattle. He seemed pretty much like a clone of Pastor Carl. It was kind of funny, but I loved how he spoke. Although it was similar in style to Pastor Carl, Pastor Chad was throwing out verses left and right to back up all he was saying. It was incredible and I loved it. His message just cleared everything up for me. It was like THIS was the final chapter of the “Church in the Wild” series.

Pastor Chad preached on a tweet he read a few months prior by a pastor named Thomas Hansen (@thomaszhansen). I believe he’s a youth pastor at Hillsong Australia. His tweet was this: ‎“The Cause is clear. The Call is worth it. The Time is now. And His Grace is sufficient. Only 1 Q remains, Am I up 4 it?” I LOVE, LOVE, LOVED it. It was like God up in my face asking point blank, “do you get it now?” BAM! That’s it. He was asking me, “Are you finally up for it? Cause the time is NOW.” 

I feel like in the last… maybe two years.. God has given me SOOOOOOOOOO many ideas and visions. What has come of them? Nothing, because I didn’t do anything about them. It’s funny because I like to collect quotes/sayings and save the ones I really like when I stumble upon them… like this one: 

“Vision without action is a daydream. Action without vision is a nightmare.” 
—Japanese Proverb

I think I always knew my problem. I just never did anything about it.

Towards the end of the service as Pastor Chad was saying things and as more worship music went on… I just broke. Tears were coming down my face and I was crying out to God. I wanted more. I wanted to act with urgency. I wanted to act knowing His grace is sufficient. I know I believe in the cause and I felt like I was being called. I wanted to answer “Yes! I’m up for it!” After the service was over I walked to my car and just sat there for a while. I didn’t know what to do next. I ended up just praying some more in my car. My head down I was just asking God for direction, asking Him what He wanted me to do with all this. I felt like for the past couple months He has been stirring something up in me, He was finally slowly answering my prayers and guiding me somewhere. I just kept asking Him over and over again what it was He wanted from me. I wanted to surrender. After I collected myself.. I eventually pulled my car out of my parking spot and drove slowly still.. in my head just trying to figure out what the next step was. I guess I didn’t really stop praying. I decided to take the slower way home with all the traffic lights before getting onto the highway. I didn’t want to drive in the hectic-ness of the highway right away. I still needed time to process without being distracted. As I was only a couple lights away from getting on the highway where I would have no more red lights to stop at… I found myself writing a text to my brother. I took what felt like a giant leap into uncertain territory. Once I pressed send.. I wouldn’t be able to take it back. I asked him to pray for me because I was thinking about going into full-time ministry. I had to tell someone because I needed him to keep me accountable. I finally pressed send. I couldn’t take it back and I had put that out there. I said it “out loud”. I think I was crying or tearing. I don’t remember. I couldn’t believe I just shared that with someone. I feared I was going to make myself into a liar or a failure.

My brother called me just as I was about to get home and once I got home I just sat in the driveway, in my car. We talked for about 40 minutes. I shared with him what was going on in my life recently, what I felt God was doing and telling me and how I had been feeling. I was pretty much sobbing through the entire phone call. I couldn’t stop myself. He ended up praying for me over the phone and peace started coming over me.

This week has been hard though. Going back to work was hard. Then I got sick. As miserable as I felt.. I think it was a gift in disguise. I was able to spend time at home, in quiet and try to work things out with God more. I did things I had been meaning to do. I stepped out in more boldness. I pray it keeps going. God has helped me set things in motion and I can’t take it back now. All I can do now is move forward in faith. His grace is sufficient. Come what may. Whatever more trials put before me, I know where my strength and confidence comes from. I must be careful and not confuse my own desires with His though. I pray that He will make the distinction more clear. I pray that in all I do, I do with His glorification in mind.

This is the beginning. I don’t know where it will take me, but I know as long I am trying to hear where He’s calling me to and for, everything will be okay. I know I will be much more joyful because of it. I haven’t been really content with my life in a long time and I think it’s because I haven’t been doing what I’ve been called to do.

Another one of my favorite quotes is this: 

“Your calling is where your deep gladness meets the worlds deep need.” 
—Frederich Buechner

I pray that it’s true and that I will be able to surrender my own will to His. So far it feels like a lonely path. I don’t know if that’s normal, but I pray that others would encounter and experience something similar too. Also, I pray that I never give up. Every day, every morning feels like a struggle to pursue a more righteous path. It’s really hard. I’m terrified of failing and falling back into old habits, but I gotta try. At least now I’m more aware and more intentional. This new conviction I have is on my mind more so it helps me to remember what I need to do. If the time is NOW, I’m just trying to make the best I can out of today, out of now. Just taking it day by day…

—

God, You are just so incredible. It’s true that words cannot express just how wonderful You are. Never let me forget. Keep my eyes open so I can see Your beauty and Your hand in all things. Your love and grace take my breath away. What You’ve done I can never repay. I want to give You my heart, I want to give You my life. It’s Yours. Lead me, Father, for I know Your ways are better than mine and that Your path leads to eternity with You. Help me to continue this race with conviction, with my eyes on the prize which is You. Your rod and staff are always with me. Please, grant me the heart of David and the obedience of Paul. Thank You, my Lord, my Savior, my Love.

I grew up with a strong sense of what is fair and what is not. Sometimes being merciful and practicing grace becomes an afterthought because I’m so caught up in making or keeping things fair (especially when I get competitive. lol). I think it’s because of how I was raised. My parents always made a point of keeping things fair between me and my brother so we wouldn’t have an excuse to fight. However, the truth of the matter is.. life just isn’t fair in our sense of the word. I believe life is fair and just in God’s eyes though. If anything, we’re getting the better end of the deal. Think about it. We get God, and He gets us? Sad!

This is love.. when I give my heart to everyone but You
This is love.. when I have turned my back away from You
This is love.. when I have left You for the selfish things I do
This is love.. that You would still love me in spite of me
—words from This Is Love by The Autumn Film

I love this song and the lyrics. The first time I heard it, it really perked up my ears to take in the words. I was listening to it in the car again today. The words never fail to touch me.

Anyhoo, this song isn’t really what has inspired me to write this entry. If you know me, then you know that recently I’ve been really into Brandi Carlile, her band and her music. I came into work, turned on my computer, opened up iTunes and started playing my Brandi Carlile music to start off the day. I started thinking about how into her music I am. Then I just started thinking about her and why I’m so into her. I think she’s genuinely an awesome human being from what I’ve read, seen and experienced (as brief as it was when I met her a few weeks ago).

As a performer she’s fantastic. She really knows how to engage the audience and keep you captivated. Even if you couldn’t see anything and only hear her voice, that alone would be enough to draw you in. She’s very talented, but not a prodigy. She really works at it. I think she’s a real solid female rocker. Then there’s seeing her being flanked by identical twins who also rock. The human symmetry is a sight to see. Love her strong voice and range. Love the music she and the twins write. Love that she has a cellist in her band. Just sucks that she’s getting so popular now and that I didn’t know about them when they were a smaller act. I don’t like huge venues, dealing with large crowds and “body guards”. She doesn’t have her own, but the Beacon Theater provided their own for her. I think if she had the time and energy she’d give every fan the time of day. She really just loves it and yet doesn’t seem full of herself. Confident, but not obnoxiously confident. Admirably confident.

She also has the “Looking Out Foundation” which raises money to support various causes she feels strongly about.

SIDEBAR: Watch her opening speech at a LOF fundraiser: Part 1, Part 2. She even quotes her favorite Bible verse, Matthew 6:3, by heart. “But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.” And I think my favorite line she said herself was “The Lord looks out for us all by gifting us the compassion to look out for each other.”

She wants to do good and she does when and where she can. She wants to be a positive influence on people, but she’s also true to herself. She knows she’s a musician above all else. That’s what she’s passionate, what she loves. It’s her thing. It’s what she does and will do until she can no longer. She doesn’t try to act a part, try to look like a do-gooder to please other people. I don’t think she considers herself a Baptist anymore, but I believe her family still is and she was raised as one. In one of her songs she mentions being a Baptist and it has a negative connotation to it, but she has explained that when she was 16 she was an extreme Baptist and being extreme about anything just can’t be good. I agree. I don’t think humans can really control and handle extremes. Something eventually gets distorted. Even good intentions can become toxic.

There’s more, but for the most part that’s some background info on Brandi and why I like her so much. Now here’s the thing: She is gay. Her partner is a cop in Seattle. She seems like an incredible human being as well. Very involved in the community, working hard to make a positive change in any way she can. She seems like a pretty inspirational person as well. I was sitting here thinking about them and all the “good” people in the world. Unfortunately, being good just isn’t enough. I’m sure God loves them for how they love others, but I don’t know what plans He has for them after this world. I know He hates their sin. We all have some sin we struggle with that I’m sure God hates, but I really feel bad for gay people. I really feel like they’re stuck with such a sucky one.

I personally believe people might be “born gay” or “become” gay over time whether it just happens one day and they realize it or because of some horrific experience they’ve had. Being born gay.. I think it’s possible because of original sin, but let’s just leave it at that. I don’t want to talk about that issue in particular. My thing is.. I don’t think BEING gay is a sin. That’s terrible. It’s like saying, “..because I exist and I am who I am and can’t help who I am.. for whatever reason I am being punished and people are now equating me to the likes of Hitler and saying I belong in hell.” I think most believers of Christ without a distorted, tainted by man version of the Bible and understanding of God’s character and love know God doesn’t necessarily hate the person who commits the sin, but the sin itself. If he hated us so much, why would He send His Son to die in our place? That would make no sense whatsoever.

Simply put: it’s not fair. I sincerely believe gay people have the right to feel like their life is unfair and to be angry about it with God. I’m sure He understands. Shoot, if I were gay, I would. You’d just also have to understand that our life on this planet is not about everything being fair. If we really wanted life to be fair, we’d all be struck down dead and go to hell. We should be glad that life isn’t about fairness in that case. Grace is God ignoring OUR rules and making His own, playing by His own book. He knows we’re too stupid and that we’d really just inadvertently end up condemning ourselves to hell with no chance of salvation. We are too idealistic for our own good. God, on the other hand, is realistic.

I also understand why a majority of the gay community probably hate Christians. Those “Christians” might not necessarily be wrong in what they say, but they aren’t saying it with the love and gentleness that God wants us to have. There’s no wisdom and discernment in the words they use and the actions they take. It’s probably just fueled by anger, fear, ignorance and lack of counsel from God first.

So, why is being gay so unfair? To love and want to be loved in return has got to be the most basic of human desires. Even for those who call themselves celibate. I’m sure they still treasure the love of friends and family. For those who are not gay… they get to marry the person they love, have a family with them, and spend their lives with them. They get to act on their feelings and emotions and it’s okay once they are wed. It’s even godly for them to do so. However, men who have fallen in love with other men and women doing the same.. of course they have the same desires. They just can’t do anything about it or aren’t supposed to. It’s like saying everyone is allowed to eat, but because of “the luck of the draw” you can’t. You didn’t get a choice, or maybe you did, but you can’t just go back. “Too bad. Sorry!” So sad, but the truth is I think that’s really it. That’s all there is to it. Again, totally unfair, but just how it goes.

Can you be a Christian and be gay? I think you could be a true Christian and be gay. Just don’t act on it. Yes, again, it sucks. But being a Christian you should love God above anything or anyone else anyway, right? If we really did, it shouldn’t be a problem. Of course it’s far from easy, but if we can at least have the self-control to not have pre-marital sex, I think it is possible to abstain from any same sex “activity”. On the other hand, these days pre-marital sex is so common so I don’t know. But honestly, I think people just aren’t trying to NOT have sex before marriage. They either just don’t care or for Christians I think the mentality now is more like… we know we’re getting married anyway, so what’s the big deal? Sigh… It makes me sad and disappointed thinking about it.

Can someone truly go from gay to straight or is it just a cover-up/front? I don’t know. Probably. Anything’s possible. God can do it at least. I think to say that man being only with a woman can no longer be defined as “natural”. I think the only thing that really is natural is sin. A man with a woman is how God intended it to be, yes, but “natural” since Adam and Eve has already been twisted, tainted and will never return to “as God intended it” until Jesus comes back and that’s that. 

Here’s what I don’t get. Why do people get upset when God doesn’t agree with what they do? That means people just want a god who doesn’t care what they do or looks the other way. If you have a god who doesn’t care, why should you care about the existence of a god if he means nothing to you and has no effect on you? To me true God is someone you can never fully understand, never fully comprehend. He will never fully make sense. You can’t fit Him into a box. You can’t have Him fully figured out. If you can figure Him out, He’s not much of a God then, is He? God is like a parent. He loves you unconditionally. He wants to keep you safe and will lay down His life for you (and He already has). In order to keep you safe though, He sets boundaries. I’m sorry, but if there’s a parent out there who just let’s their children do whatever they want without setting boundaries and teaching consequences, well, you shouldn’t be a parent and your child is going to be in a world of trouble. It’s not like He’s forcing us to do anything either. He gives us the free will and choice to learn from His teachings or we can just turn the other way and ignore them.

This is just an assumption, but I think Brandi still believes in God. I think she believes in Jesus somewhere deep down. I think a lot of people do, but just can’t seem to let go of themselves and really think about it. Phil Hanseroth, one of the twins who plays bass most of the time, is a truth-seeker and is always looking into things like UFOs, USOs (UFO’s submerged underwater), new weird things that mess with your mind and subconscious, etc. I think if he looks hard enough, he’ll find someone has been there with him all along. He’ll find the truth.

For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—His eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse.
—Romans 1:20

It’s another one of those stupid things I can’t understand, and yet I do it all the time as well. Why do we insist on taking a hold of our own lives? Why can’t we just give up control to God who has the map, the GPS, the compass, etc? He can take us straight to paradise! The road’s not going to be easy and smooth. With or without Him there’s going to be potholes and flat tires along the way, but at least with God at the wheel you’re not doing it alone and He’s got everything you’ll need to get through it. Isn’t there only one smart choice here? Is there any question? I mean we’re bound to take the wheel back every now and then, but at least you know He’s still in the car waiting to take over whenever you’re ready to let go again. He’s not just going to abandon you unless you kick Him out. And even then He’s still watching. Bottom-line: it’s your choice. He’s not going to hi-jack your life.